Monday, September 19, 2011

About last night...

I have about 5 posts which I've been struggling with that for whatever reason I just can't seem to finish (read: they suck)...and then last night the blogging gods decided to throw me a bone...

So I was working late last night (around 1am west coast time) when my phone rang.  It was a Chicago number, but it wasn't someone in my contacts.  A lot of times I let unknown numbers just go to voicemail, but at 3am Chicago time I figured this had to be good.  And it did not disappoint...

Me:  Hello?
[Unknown girl on the other end of the line...slurring a bit]:  Hey, it's Monica.
Me [ I know a Monica?]: Sorry, I missed that.  Who?
Her:  It's Monica.
Me [I'm pretty sure she said Monica...who the hell is Monica?!]:  Wait, one more time?
Her:  MONICA!  Oh come on...Jax?

Holy crap!  Monica Jackson?! (as always, not her real name).  Now this is going to be entertaining.  Here is my entire experience with Monica Jackson.  10 years ago, my best friend from college called me and said "Hey, I'm sending a girl who works for me to meet a couple potential clients at your company's conference.  Would you mind taking her to the dinner you're hosting the night before and introducing her to these guys?".  No problem.  So I picked Monica up at her hotel, took her to dinner, introduced her to the potential clients she wanted to meet, and then watched as she proceeded to get absolutely the point where at one point towards the end of the night she turned to me and said:

"My marriage sucks."
"I can't even remember the last time I had great sex."
"That's actually not true.  I cheated on him recently and it was amazing."
"I want to do it again.  Actually I need to do it again."
"I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with this conversation."
"Oh what?  You've never cheated on someone?"
"Uh, no."
"Well it doesn't matter because this wouldn't be you cheating, it would be me cheating."
"Wait, what?!  How did I come into this?"
"What are you, an idiot?  We're talking about having sex here."
"Who's talking about having sex?  You and me?"
"Yes you and me.  Jesus.  Are we doing this or what?"
"Uh, no we are most definitely not doing this."
 "Is it because you're friends with my boss?"
"No, it has more to do with the fact that you're MARRIED."
"Yeah, but I'm not happy."
"Well then do something about it.  But if you want my opinion, handle your business before doing anything stupid.  Again."
"I don't want your opinion.  I want to have sex.  Are you serious?  We're not doing it?"
"No, we're not doing it."
"Your loss.  You mind taking me home?"

So we grabbed a taxi, I dropped her off at her hotel, and that is the last and only time I have ever had contact with Monica Jackson.  I had heard through my buddy (who is now one of her best friends, and whom I never told what she said) that she did get divorced not too long after I met her.  And she did add me as a Facebook friend a couple years ago.  But one dinner ten years ago is the total extent of our direct contact.  Not enough to get me to remember her by first name alone, but certainly memorable enough that when she mentioned her nickname, that night and that conversation in particular, came rushing back.  So back to last night...

Me:  Holy crap!  Jax!  What the hell are you doing calling at this hour?
Jax:  I miss you.
[Oh boy, this is gonna be good...]
Me [kinda laughing]:  Aw, that's sweet.  You sound like you've had a few cocktails this evening.
Jax:  Maybe.  But I'm serious, I miss you.  When was the last time I saw you?
Me:  You mean the only time?  It had to be what, ten years ago?
Jax:  Is that it?  Have we only hung out once?
Me:  Yup.
Jax:  But we had fun right?
Me:  Yeah, we had fun.  So what's going on with you these days?
Jax:  I miss you!  I'm serious.  I'm in Chicago.  I kind of chased a boy out here.
Me:  Oh that's good!  How's it going?
Jax:  Eh...
Me:  Well are you still with him?
Jax:  I don't know.  I guess.  Not really.  Why are we talking about this?
Me:  Ha!  Always complicated with you, huh Jax?
Jax:  It doesn't have to be.  If I was with the right guy it would be simple.  I should date someone like you.
Me:  You mean if you weren't married or dating someone else any time we talked? [maybe a little below the belt, but I meant it for a laugh, not to hurt]
Jax:  Hey!  Yeah, I guess you're right.  But I don't have to be dating this guy.  I could come out and visit you.
Me:  Yeah, that's probably not the best idea.  I'm not really doing a whole lot of dating these days anyway.
Her:  Well I have gotten hotter since last time I saw you.  A lot hotter.  You'd want me if you saw me.  Do you want me to send you pictures?
Me:  No, that's ok.  I believe you.  I'm sure you're really hot.  I just don't think it's a good idea.
Jax:  Why not?  Didn't you have fun that night we made out?
Me:  Ummm...we never made out.
Jax:  We didn't?  But you came back to my hotel right?
Me:  Yeah, I dropped you off in a cab outside.
Jax:  So we never made out?
Me:  Nope.
Jax:  Well if we had you would have liked it.  And I'm hotter now.  Did I tell you that?
Me:  Yeah, you told me that.
Jax:  Well I am.  And I always thought you were so fucking hot.  We would make hot babies.
Me:  Well, let's not start planning a family just yet.
Jax:  I'm serious.  We would make really hot babies.
Me:  I would imagine you're right, but I'll be honest...we're not going to be making any babies.
Jax:  Why not?  I mean, I don't want to make babies right now either.  Well, I do, but I'm not saying I'm in a hurry to be making babies.  But I can't wait forever.  Come on, we'd have such hot kids.
Me:  Are you asking me to have kids with you?
Jax:  No!  I mean, we're not getting any younger though.  Don't you want to start a family?
Me:  Yeah, I'd love to start a family at some point, but I'm not going to agree to it on the phone with you tonight.
Jax:  That's why I said I should come out there.
Me [trying to laugh this off]:  Look Jax, I appreciate the offer to make babies, but it's not gonna happen.  My suggestion is you have one more drink as a nightcap, and then sleep this one off.
Jax:  You think I'm saying this because I'm drunk?  I wish I was drunk.  I would say this if I was completely sober.  I've been in love with you ever since the first night we hooked up.
Me:  We never hooked up.  And what?!
Jax:  You know what I mean.
Me:  I'm pretty sure I don't.
Jax:  I don't mean I love you, but I have thought about you because you're single.
Me:  Well isn't that just the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Jax:  Shut up.  Don't you want to find someone?
Me:  Yeah, of course I do.  But this...
Jax:  Well then what's the problem?  I told you I'm hotter now right?
Me:  Yes, you told me you were hotter.
Jax:  This is getting nowhere.  What the fuck.

...and that was the end of the phone call.  She hung up on me with a "What the fuck".  Awesome!

And then I got a call today while I was in a meeting and this is the voicemail I got, verbatim...

Hey.  It's Monica.  About last night...umm...look you don't have to call me back...actually I'd prefer if you didn't call me back...but umm...I'm not sure exactly what I said but...I kind of remember snippets...umm...did I say something about babies?...Jesus fuck...look, I'm really sorry about that...umm...anyway, just sorry...and...well I guess that's need to call me back...sooo...this is fucking that's it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Monica Jackson, the future mother of my babies :)


  1. awww, no with the sexy time? but ya'll would make such hot (alcohol-poisoned) babies!

  2. haha! yeah, those are definitely babies this world could do without :)

  3. saw you followed me on twitter...followed you back and popped over here...

    ...just read this conversation...EPIC...following your blog now based on this one post alone.

    now on to read the rest...

  4. Thanks Pretty Young Thing! And what's the latest with the Producer???

  5. OMG !!! you really attract them don't ya ?

    Just read your Sake & Gummy Bears post on Simones' blog and hopped over here to check you out :)

    Looking forward to reading more on your blog !

  6. THIS IS AMAZING! Sign this woman up to be the next MTV sensation. The whole cast of Jersey Shore's got nutin' on this bat shit mess!

    Also, congratulations on your beautiful, stupid, FAS babies.

  7. I know I am way late to the party, but that is fucking awesome.

  8. oh my gosh that was funny!!!