Wednesday, June 29, 2011


If you want the Cliff Notes version of this post here it is:  I'm an idiot.  But then again, most of my posts could be summed up that way, so for those of you whose tolerance for stupidity goes beyond three words, here's the rest.

I went drinking with my ex-girlfriend last week.  Sorry, I went drinking with THE ex-girlfriend last week.

Since I've blogged all of one time I guess I should give you the quick "Yes mom I'm still single" relationship rundown:

In the last 10 years I've had:
Eleventy million first dates...
...6 amazing girlfriends...
...4 of whom wanted to get married...
...1 who I thought I was in love with until I got a little perspective (and by perspective I mean I found out she was cheating on me of course)
...and THE ex-girlfriend.

I'll go into more detail about THE ex in another post, but suffice it to say she had my number.  Everything about her just did it for me.  Well, other than the fact that the feelings weren't mutual.  Minor detail.

Anyway, we broke up a few months ago and to set the stage for the story here are those three months on fast forward:

Day 0: We broke up ('s not like she did anything wrong, she just wasn't in love with me...but I was still a wreck)
Day 1: She sends me an email..."Hey!  Hope you're having a great day :)  I slept sooooo well last night." [ugh]
Day 1: Me: You gotta leave me alone for a bit. We can be friends at some point, but just give me a little time.
Day 6: Her: Enough time?
Day 6: Me: No.
Day 15: Her: Enough time?
Day 15: Me: No.
Day 30: Her: Enough time?
Day 30: Me: No.
Day 45: Her: Enough time?
Day 45: Me: No.
Day 60: Her: Enough time?
Day 60: Me: I give up. Sure.

And so there I was last week driving to pick up a friend to see another buddy's band play when THE ex's number comes up on my phone.

Her: I need to blow off some steam.  Want to get a drink?
Me: Going to see a buddy's band play.  Do you wa...
Her: I'm in!

The next five hours are now somewhat of a blur, but here's a timeline of what I remember:
THE ex arrives [DAMN!  She looks know, for a friend]
Buddy's band plays.  More beers.
New bar with THE ex and my friend.
Jello shots [Wait, bars still have jello shots?!]
Friend get into debate with bartender about what city is a better place for a gay man, New York or San Francisco. [How they got on this I don't know since neither of them are gay]
Tequila shots
THE ex grinding on me on the dance floor [you know, in a friend kind of way]
Jagermeister shots
THE ex claims she knows how to box...I say no way and call her soft...followed by her throwing a barrage of punches...followed by me laughing and saying I had underestimated her softness....more punches...more laughing...more punches...and back to the tequila shots
Oh, and more beers.
Smackin' THE ex's ass on the dance floor...followed by her jumping on my back for a piggy back ride and biting my ear as I carry her back to the bar...for more tequila shots of course.
And finally they kick us out of there around 2am. [Which also put an end to my friend's marathon better gay city debate with the bartender]

So now at this point I have 3 options for where to stay tonight (since I'm obviously not driving home):
1) Cab across the city back to my place.  Requires another cab back in the morning and so I rule it out.
2) Walk two blocks to my friend's place and crash on his couch.  Clearly the smart decision.  Easy to grab the car in the morning, and guarantees I don't do anything completely idiotic.
3) Walk one block back to THE ex's place and crash on her couch.  Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb,dumb, dumb,dumb, dumb....and of course the option I choose.

So we get back to her place and I lie down on the couch while she gets ready for bed.  Then she comes out of the bathroom in some sexy little outfit, and as she's crawling into bed she says, "Are you gonna sleep on the couch or are you gonna come in the comfy bed with me?"

If there's a man alive who is not going to choose option B in that situation I don't know him.  But whoever he is, he's a stronger man than I.  I was across that room so fast it would make your head spin...or I guess that could have been the tequila.  Anyway, I crawl into bed with her, we're snuggling up, still joking around and laughing...and then I kiss her.

"WHOA!!  Where is THAT coming from???", she says as she recoils.  Uhhh...but the said comfy bed...and...umm...I thought...

"Hee hee", she giggles.  "It's ok, I'm sure the booze just got the best of you.  Let's just call it a night."

Uh, yeah that's what it was.  It was the booze.  Ugh.  Like I said, I'm an idiot.

And to top things off, just when I couldn't feel any dumber, I went out to my car in the morning only to find it had been towed.  Stupid street cleaning.

Final tally, in the words of MasterCard...

Street cleaning violation...$65
Towing fee...$365
Unpaid parking tickets...$120
Taking a beating from your ex-girlfriend, both emotionally and physically, and having the bruises to prove it...



  1. It's so easy to get sucked back in but don't do it!!

    Not very nice at all to lead you on and then try to make it seem like you got the wrong idea.

    Street cleaning sucks. Living in Boston I know that pain all too well.

  2. Exes are exes for a reason, dude! Steer well clear (and then I realised that I sound really grown up and was disgusted with myself, no, really).

  3. hilarious yet creative post! So sorry that happened though. I agree with Ginny, sounds like your ex may be sucking you back in!

  4. Oh man...though I don't believe exes are exes for a reason (btw I'm the queen of happily functioning compartmentalization)...I do think jerks are called jerks for a reason...and I'm sorry to say it dude...your ex is a serious jerk. There isn't a chance in hell she didn't know what she was doing...and she got off on it. There is a many a chick who digs luring a guy after her (who have no intention of following through)...personally I don't get these people...who wants power when you could be luring a guy you want and then end up having hot crazy sex...just sayin'. But nonetheless...some girls are fucked. Some dudes are dicks. And people do shiity things. Lesson learned though right? RIGHT?!?!