Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I want my cake back!

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

What the heck does that even mean?!  I mean, I have cake all the time, and as my waistline can attest, I eat the hell out of it.  Really, what's the point of having a cake if you're not going to eat it?  Anyway, I looked it up;  the first recording of it is from 1546 as "wolde you bothe eate your cake, and have your cake?"...huh huh...they were really crappy spellers back then...huh huh.  Wait, what the hell is this, some sort of etymology lesson?!  You're here to talk about sex and to make me laugh, now dance monkey!!  You're right.  Sorry about that.  Where were we?  Oh yeah, cake.  Anyway, the dumbed down version of that saying (for people like me) is, once you've eaten your cake, you no longer have it.  Well, after last week, I finally get it.  I had my cake (a really good girl friend) and I ate it too (we went down the friends with benefits road)...now it has all fallen apart, and I wish I just had my cake back.

So let's see, what happened....

Fucking Ashton Kutcher.  That's what happened.  Oh, and Natalie Portman, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis too.  All of them, dead to me now.  Maybe slightly less so for Justin Timberlake, because he gave us these (Dick in a boxMotherlover, The Golden Rule).  But those damn friends with benefits movies have made my life miserable recently, so if given the opportunity I'd punch them all right in the face.  Really Hollywood?  One wasn't good enough?  You had to make a second, just to hammer the point home that sometimes friends with benefits turn into more?  You have absolutely ruined the concept of friends with benefits.  Ruined it.

So here are the details.  A couple months ago, as I was wallowing in misery over the breakup with THE Ex (see ...priceless), I was out drinking with my friend Kelly.  Kelly and I have been friends for years, and we have shared many a laugh over that time about our respective dating lives.  But it has never been anything more than friends.  She's amazing, but she's just not my type.  And I'm not hers either.  She's a vegetarian who is disgusted by my affinity for red meat.  She voted for George W. Bush...twice.  I have his picture on my dartboard.  She thinks getting outside for some exercise means walking to the corner store for more cigarettes.  Great friends...terrible potential match.

Anyway, we were drinking, and at some point (whether it was prompted by some ad for one of those movies I don't remember), she made a proposal.  You've pretty much seen it in both movies.  It basically boils down to:

1)  We're never going to date
2)  I like hanging out with you
3)  I need to get laid
4)  Let's use each other for sex

All of that is from her.  Her idea.  Let me emphasize point #1, because she most definitely did.  WE ARE NEVER GOING TO DATE.  She said over and over again how she had no interest in dating me. And as time went by (read: we drank more), I started come around.  Friends with benefits you say?  Hmm..this could work...

Actually, I have never really thought it could work.  I have passed up a fair amount of casual sex in my life (see Cookies and Sex) because I just have no idea how to figure out when a girl just wants sex, and when she wants something more.  And unless I am somehow absolutely sure that the girl wants nothing more than sex, I have tended to err on the side of caution, not sleeping with someone whom I know I don't want to date because I don't want to chance hurting her feelings.  Yes, I know there are plenty of women out there who just want sex.  I'm just too stupid to be able to discern who those are, so for the most part I just stick to sex when I'm in a relationship.   But somehow this time she convinced me that it would be different;  that no one would develop stronger feelings and that we could keep it casual until one or the other ended up in a real relationship.  No strings attached?  Yes...we can do this...ok, I'm in!

And for the fourth time in as many posts...I'm an idiot.  There are always strings.

For about a month it was amazing.  The sex was spectacular;  adventurous, playful, passionate, fun.  She'd occasionally swing by on the way to work.  I'd often drop by her place after a night out.  And we both continued to date and tell each other our funnier stories.

And then, one night as we were out drinking, she said..."Soooo, why haven't you asked me out on a real date yet?"

And of course I tried to laugh it off..."Hahahaha.  Could you imagine what a disaster that would be."

Her: No, I'm serious.

Me:  But...no strings attached...use each other...

Her: So, you can have sex with me but you won't date me?

[Oh boy...this is really not going well]

Me:  I really thought we were on the same page here.  This was your idea.  You said you had no interest in dating me.

Her: Please don't be like every other guy out there.  I truly believed you were different...something special.

Me:  This isn't fair.  Deep down I think even you know we're not right together.  We've joked about it plenty of times in the past.  You can't all the sudden drop this on me.

Her:  I'm sure it's not fair, but you should have known that when you slept with me, it meant something more.  I know that you don't sleep around, and so I assumed that it would mean something more for you too.

Me:  I'm so sorry.  I love hanging out with you, but we're not right for each other.  I think the world of you, and I love what we have, but I don't want to date you.

Her:  Well then you're an asshole.

And with that, she was gone.  That was last week, and she hasn't answered my calls or returned my texts.  I'm sad.  I have hurt someone I care about, and it's possible I've lost a really good friend.  I truly hope not.

One thing I do know for sure.  That saying is absolutely true; you can't have your cake and eat it too.  I tried it, and now I have indigestion.  I want my cake back!


  1. I think the key to Friends With Benefits is doing it with someone who wasn't a friend FIRST. It's always worked well for me when I've started sleeping with someone causally, become friends (but not emotionally attached) over the course of the relationship, and enjoyed their company and sex without dating. Starting something with an existing good friend is too risky.

  2. That is very unfortunate. I agree with Olivia though. It should ideally be someone you have not yet established a great friendship with but rather a casual acquaintance because it always seems to get messy as you found out the hard way. I think they should actually call it Acquaintance with Benefits or just go with F... Buddies to be as cold and sterile as possible. Friends and sex should not ever go together.

    I do hope she can get over it. It was her idea and she should have known the risks involved. This is not on you. Sorry.

  3. Wish I could figure out how to reply to each comment individually, but alas I'm a moron. Anyway...

    Thanks Olivia! Yeah, I definitely learned that lesson the hard way.

    And thanks trininista too! I hope she can get over it too. I think she will eventually, but in the meantime I still feel like an ass.

    You guys are awesome!

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  5. First, I'm sorry a rift has formed between you and your friend. My only two cents I can add to this is, always listen to your gut/inner voice/instinct. It usually never leads you wrong. Also, your friend was not honest with herself about her expectations. She has shut you out because she is hurt and/or embarrassed. It's unfortunate, but not your fault. Give it time. If your friendship was truly valuable to her, she will reach out to you. If not, well, it's another life lesson learned. Thanks for sharing such a personal story folks need to hear before being hoodwinked by the fairy tales of Hollywood.

  6. Thanks Terez! You're definitely right about listening to your gut. I had never done anything like this before for just that reason, but for some stupid reason I believed this would be different. Like you said, lesson learned. Thanks for the advice!

  7. A. You can't reply individually on blogger...I know I know that's one of the things that makes wordpress better...bleh. I'm on blogger too...it is what it is.

    B. I hate this girl. Like literally hate this chick for ruining boys for the rest of us. I'm sure she's all a good person and stuff but honestly...I want to punch her in the face. I could go on and on but I'll just say this.

    You were right.
    She was wrong.
    I hope karma bites her in the ass for tainting boys on casual sex for the rest of us emotionally stable chicks. SMH. Meh.

  8. I have a friends-with-benefits situation and it works out great. The thing is, we've been friends for a decade, we tried dating and failed three times within a year, and we bounced back from that pretty well so a FWB situation is easy for us. It's easy for us though...we've been really good friends for almost 10 years, so it would have to be a pretty big deal for us to stop that.

    I think this girl is pretty strange. She has no right to get mad at you when in the beginning she made things very clear about dating. However, I think she's ignoring you for now because she might feel a little embarrassed that she put herself out there and you didn't have the same feelings. Don't blame yourself or feel bad...it happens! I think she'll come around and you guys will be able to hang out again! Keep your chin up! :)

  9. Good read, your writer's voice comes through clearly.

    Now that that's out of the way... It blows your friendship with Kelly is busted, but I've been in her place before and from my perspective, she's not evil, nor conniving. She simply didn't know that the addition of sex to your relationship would impact her in such a way. ( If you want, you can say it's because you're a stallion in bed.) I don't believe that a friend would maliciously do something like that, but so often we're unaware of potential emotional casualties when we engage in sex, especially good sex.

  10. Thanks Emma! And I'm jealous of your FWB situation. I have friends for whom it has worked out great for both people, so I know it can work. Clearly we just were not the right people to try it out. Anyway, I agree, I think at some point we'll be able to hang out again. I just feel bad that I know she's hurt, regardless of whether I did anything wrong or not. Thanks for the thoughts!

  11. Thanks so much for your comment Sinner. I am totally with you that she's not evil or conniving. She really is a great person, and I think she went into this with the best of intentions. I'd love to say it was because I'm a stallion, but it's probably more like My Little Pony, so it must be that sex in general, regardless of how good it is, can mess with a person's emotions :) Seriously, thanks for your advice!

  12. I started reading your blog, and I liked it; after the Lonely Island references, I loved it!
    I think that it's unfair when someone says that they want one thing, and then expect something else, sadly is mostly girls that do this. I don't think that what happened is your fault, because you did exactly what you said you would. You can try to talk to her and tell her how much her friendship means to you, but that's it, she is the one with unrealistic expectations.

  13. Oh you're so silly. There are always strings attached. Horrible strings! Girls are deceptive. We always say we don't want something but we really really doooo. We just want YOU to initiate it.

    And that, my friend, is a life lesson.

    You're fucking welcome.

  14. So true.

    A girlfriend of mine just had this happen to her; she made all the trappings of a 'casual, laid back, easy going' thing because she didn't want him to 'fall in love with her' etc... Yet was angry and confused as to why he didn't make any effort to make plans or follow through.

    It's too bad because for the first month it was the perfect arrangement; then she forgot it was just that, an arrangement and not a prelude to a relationship she was wanting but not admitting to.

  15. modernbedsidemanners,

    Thanks for the comment! And I read your post and and it's great...and sounds very familiar. Honestly, I totally get it. Even if she didn't go in thinking she wanted a relationship out of it, it can be hard to keep feelings out of it. I probably should have known better...but she was just so convincing up front. Lesson learned...no sex with friends. And I'm sure I'll remember that lesson right up until the next hot girl friend says she wants to have no strings attached sex :)

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  17. The main reason that girls have an issue with FWB relationships is Oxycontin. If you are unfamiliar, Oxycontin is the hormone that is released in a woman during childbirth, causing her to fall in love with her child. It is also (unfortunately) released during orgasm, sometimes causing exactly what you've experienced with your friend. It essentially tricks a girls brain into believing there is something emotional going on when there isn't or shouldn't be. It sucks.

    I have been on both sides of the "cake" situation in the past, oddly with the same guy. All I can say is she should get over it after she sleeps with the next dude a couple of times. Since this post was written half a year ago, maybe she already has??

    Good luck!

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