Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I want my cake back!
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
What the heck does that even mean?! I mean, I have cake all the time, and as my waistline can attest, I eat the hell out of it. Really, what's the point of having a cake if you're not going to eat it? Anyway, I looked it up; the first recording of it is from 1546 as "wolde you bothe eate your cake, and have your cake?"...huh huh...they were really crappy spellers back then...huh huh. Wait, what the hell is this, some sort of etymology lesson?! You're here to talk about sex and to make me laugh, now dance monkey!! You're right. Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh yeah, cake. Anyway, the dumbed down version of that saying (for people like me) is, once you've eaten your cake, you no longer have it. Well, after last week, I finally get it. I had my cake (a really good girl friend) and I ate it too (we went down the friends with benefits road)...now it has all fallen apart, and I wish I just had my cake back.
So let's see, what happened....
Fucking Ashton Kutcher. That's what happened. Oh, and Natalie Portman, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis too. All of them, dead to me now. Maybe slightly less so for Justin Timberlake, because he gave us these (Dick in a box, Motherlover, The Golden Rule). But those damn friends with benefits movies have made my life miserable recently, so if given the opportunity I'd punch them all right in the face. Really Hollywood? One wasn't good enough? You had to make a second, just to hammer the point home that sometimes friends with benefits turn into more? You have absolutely ruined the concept of friends with benefits. Ruined it.
So here are the details. A couple months ago, as I was wallowing in misery over the breakup with THE Ex (see ...priceless), I was out drinking with my friend Kelly. Kelly and I have been friends for years, and we have shared many a laugh over that time about our respective dating lives. But it has never been anything more than friends. She's amazing, but she's just not my type. And I'm not hers either. She's a vegetarian who is disgusted by my affinity for red meat. She voted for George W. Bush...twice. I have his picture on my dartboard. She thinks getting outside for some exercise means walking to the corner store for more cigarettes. Great friends...terrible potential match.
Anyway, we were drinking, and at some point (whether it was prompted by some ad for one of those movies I don't remember), she made a proposal. You've pretty much seen it in both movies. It basically boils down to:
1) We're never going to date
2) I like hanging out with you
3) I need to get laid
4) Let's use each other for sex
All of that is from her. Her idea. Let me emphasize point #1, because she most definitely did. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO DATE. She said over and over again how she had no interest in dating me. And as time went by (read: we drank more), I started come around. Friends with benefits you say? Hmm..this could work...
Actually, I have never really thought it could work. I have passed up a fair amount of casual sex in my life (see Cookies and Sex) because I just have no idea how to figure out when a girl just wants sex, and when she wants something more. And unless I am somehow absolutely sure that the girl wants nothing more than sex, I have tended to err on the side of caution, not sleeping with someone whom I know I don't want to date because I don't want to chance hurting her feelings. Yes, I know there are plenty of women out there who just want sex. I'm just too stupid to be able to discern who those are, so for the most part I just stick to sex when I'm in a relationship. But somehow this time she convinced me that it would be different; that no one would develop stronger feelings and that we could keep it casual until one or the other ended up in a real relationship. No strings attached? Yes...we can do this...ok, I'm in!
And for the fourth time in as many posts...I'm an idiot. There are always strings.
For about a month it was amazing. The sex was spectacular; adventurous, playful, passionate, fun. She'd occasionally swing by on the way to work. I'd often drop by her place after a night out. And we both continued to date and tell each other our funnier stories.
And then, one night as we were out drinking, she said..."Soooo, why haven't you asked me out on a real date yet?"
And of course I tried to laugh it off..."Hahahaha. Could you imagine what a disaster that would be."
Her: No, I'm serious.
Me: But...no strings attached...use each other...
Her: So, you can have sex with me but you won't date me?
[Oh boy...this is really not going well]
Me: I really thought we were on the same page here. This was your idea. You said you had no interest in dating me.
Her: Please don't be like every other guy out there. I truly believed you were different...something special.
Me: This isn't fair. Deep down I think even you know we're not right together. We've joked about it plenty of times in the past. You can't all the sudden drop this on me.
Her: I'm sure it's not fair, but you should have known that when you slept with me, it meant something more. I know that you don't sleep around, and so I assumed that it would mean something more for you too.
Me: I'm so sorry. I love hanging out with you, but we're not right for each other. I think the world of you, and I love what we have, but I don't want to date you.
Her: Well then you're an asshole.
And with that, she was gone. That was last week, and she hasn't answered my calls or returned my texts. I'm sad. I have hurt someone I care about, and it's possible I've lost a really good friend. I truly hope not.
One thing I do know for sure. That saying is absolutely true; you can't have your cake and eat it too. I tried it, and now I have indigestion. I want my cake back!