About last night...

I have about 5 posts which I've been struggling with that for whatever reason I just can't seem to finish (read: they suck)...and then last night the blogging gods decided to throw me a bone...

So I was working late last night (around 1am west coast time) when my phone rang.  It was a Chicago number, but it wasn't someone in my contacts.  A lot of times I let unknown numbers just go to voicemail, but at 3am Chicago time I figured this had to be good.  And it did not disappoint...

Me:  Hello?
[Unknown girl on the other end of the line...slurring a bit]:  Hey, it's Monica.
Me [Monica...Monica...do I know a Monica?]: Sorry, I missed that.  Who?
Her:  It's Monica.
Me [I'm pretty sure she said Monica...who the hell is Monica?!]:  Wait, one more time?
Her:  MONICA!  Oh come on...Jax?

Holy crap!  Monica Jackson?! (as always, not her real name).  Now this is going to be entertaining.  Here is my entire experience with Monica Jackson.  10 years ago, my best friend from college called me and said "Hey, I'm sending a girl who works for me to meet a couple potential clients at your company's conference.  Would you mind taking her to the dinner you're hosting the night before and introducing her to these guys?".  No problem.  So I picked Monica up at her hotel, took her to dinner, introduced her to the potential clients she wanted to meet, and then watched as she proceeded to get absolutely plastered...to the point where at one point towards the end of the night she turned to me and said:

"My marriage sucks."
"Huh?"
"I can't even remember the last time I had great sex."
"Ummm..."
"That's actually not true.  I cheated on him recently and it was amazing."
"You...uhhh..."
"I want to do it again.  Actually I need to do it again."
"I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with this conversation."
"Oh what?  You've never cheated on someone?"
"Uh, no."
"Well it doesn't matter because this wouldn't be you cheating, it would be me cheating."
"Wait, what?!  How did I come into this?"
"What are you, an idiot?  We're talking about having sex here."
"Who's talking about having sex?  You and me?"
"Yes you and me.  Jesus.  Are we doing this or what?"
"Uh, no we are most definitely not doing this."
 "Is it because you're friends with my boss?"
"No, it has more to do with the fact that you're MARRIED."
"Yeah, but I'm not happy."
"Well then do something about it.  But if you want my opinion, handle your business before doing anything stupid.  Again."
"I don't want your opinion.  I want to have sex.  Are you serious?  We're not doing it?"
"No, we're not doing it."
"Your loss.  You mind taking me home?"

So we grabbed a taxi, I dropped her off at her hotel, and that is the last and only time I have ever had contact with Monica Jackson.  I had heard through my buddy (who is now one of her best friends, and whom I never told what she said) that she did get divorced not too long after I met her.  And she did add me as a Facebook friend a couple years ago.  But one dinner ten years ago is the total extent of our direct contact.  Not enough to get me to remember her by first name alone, but certainly memorable enough that when she mentioned her nickname, that night and that conversation in particular, came rushing back.  So back to last night...


Me:  Holy crap!  Jax!  What the hell are you doing calling at this hour?
Jax:  I miss you.
[Oh boy, this is gonna be good...]
Me [kinda laughing]:  Aw, that's sweet.  You sound like you've had a few cocktails this evening.
Jax:  Maybe.  But I'm serious, I miss you.  When was the last time I saw you?
Me:  You mean the only time?  It had to be what, ten years ago?
Jax:  Is that it?  Have we only hung out once?
Me:  Yup.
Jax:  But we had fun right?
Me:  Yeah, we had fun.  So what's going on with you these days?
Jax:  I miss you!  I'm serious.  I'm in Chicago.  I kind of chased a boy out here.
Me:  Oh that's good!  How's it going?
Jax:  Eh...
Me:  Well are you still with him?
Jax:  I don't know.  I guess.  Not really.  Why are we talking about this?
Me:  Ha!  Always complicated with you, huh Jax?
Jax:  It doesn't have to be.  If I was with the right guy it would be simple.  I should date someone like you.
Me:  You mean if you weren't married or dating someone else any time we talked? [maybe a little below the belt, but I meant it for a laugh, not to hurt]
Jax:  Hey!  Yeah, I guess you're right.  But I don't have to be dating this guy.  I could come out and visit you.
Me:  Yeah, that's probably not the best idea.  I'm not really doing a whole lot of dating these days anyway.
Her:  Well I have gotten hotter since last time I saw you.  A lot hotter.  You'd want me if you saw me.  Do you want me to send you pictures?
Me:  No, that's ok.  I believe you.  I'm sure you're really hot.  I just don't think it's a good idea.
Jax:  Why not?  Didn't you have fun that night we made out?
Me:  Ummm...we never made out.
Jax:  We didn't?  But you came back to my hotel right?
Me:  Yeah, I dropped you off in a cab outside.
Jax:  So we never made out?
Me:  Nope.
Jax:  Well if we had you would have liked it.  And I'm hotter now.  Did I tell you that?
Me:  Yeah, you told me that.
Jax:  Well I am.  And I always thought you were so fucking hot.  We would make hot babies.
Me:  Well, let's not start planning a family just yet.
Jax:  I'm serious.  We would make really hot babies.
Me:  I would imagine you're right, but I'll be honest...we're not going to be making any babies.
Jax:  Why not?  I mean, I don't want to make babies right now either.  Well, I do, but I'm not saying I'm in a hurry to be making babies.  But I can't wait forever.  Come on, we'd have such hot kids.
Me:  Are you asking me to have kids with you?
Jax:  No!  I mean, we're not getting any younger though.  Don't you want to start a family?
Me:  Yeah, I'd love to start a family at some point, but I'm not going to agree to it on the phone with you tonight.
Jax:  That's why I said I should come out there.
Me [trying to laugh this off]:  Look Jax, I appreciate the offer to make babies, but it's not gonna happen.  My suggestion is you have one more drink as a nightcap, and then sleep this one off.
Jax:  You think I'm saying this because I'm drunk?  I wish I was drunk.  I would say this if I was completely sober.  I've been in love with you ever since the first night we hooked up.
Me:  We never hooked up.  And what?!
Jax:  You know what I mean.
Me:  I'm pretty sure I don't.
Jax:  I don't mean I love you, but I have thought about you because you're single.
Me:  Well isn't that just the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Jax:  Shut up.  Don't you want to find someone?
Me:  Yeah, of course I do.  But this...
Jax:  Well then what's the problem?  I told you I'm hotter now right?
Me:  Yes, you told me you were hotter.
Jax:  This is getting nowhere.  What the fuck.
[click]

...and that was the end of the phone call.  She hung up on me with a "What the fuck".  Awesome!

And then I got a call today while I was in a meeting and this is the voicemail I got, verbatim...


Hey.  It's Monica.  About last night...umm...look you don't have to call me back...actually I'd prefer if you didn't call me back...but umm...I'm not sure exactly what I said but...I kind of remember snippets...umm...did I say something about babies?...Jesus fuck...look, I'm really sorry about that...umm...anyway, just sorry...and...well I guess that's it...and...no need to call me back...sooo...this is fucking ridiculous...sorry...anyway...yeah...so that's it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Monica Jackson, the future mother of my babies :)

I want my cake back!

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

What the heck does that even mean?!  I mean, I have cake all the time, and as my waistline can attest, I eat the hell out of it.  Really, what's the point of having a cake if you're not going to eat it?  Anyway, I looked it up;  the first recording of it is from 1546 as "wolde you bothe eate your cake, and have your cake?"...huh huh...they were really crappy spellers back then...huh huh.  Wait, what the hell is this, some sort of etymology lesson?!  You're here to talk about sex and to make me laugh, now dance monkey!!  You're right.  Sorry about that.  Where were we?  Oh yeah, cake.  Anyway, the dumbed down version of that saying (for people like me) is, once you've eaten your cake, you no longer have it.  Well, after last week, I finally get it.  I had my cake (a really good girl friend) and I ate it too (we went down the friends with benefits road)...now it has all fallen apart, and I wish I just had my cake back.

So let's see, what happened....

Fucking Ashton Kutcher.  That's what happened.  Oh, and Natalie Portman, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis too.  All of them, dead to me now.  Maybe slightly less so for Justin Timberlake, because he gave us these (Dick in a box, Motherlover, The Golden Rule).  But those damn friends with benefits movies have made my life miserable recently, so if given the opportunity I'd punch them all right in the face.  Really Hollywood?  One wasn't good enough?  You had to make a second, just to hammer the point home that sometimes friends with benefits turn into more?  You have absolutely ruined the concept of friends with benefits.  Ruined it.

So here are the details.  A couple months ago, as I was wallowing in misery over the breakup with THE Ex (see ...priceless), I was out drinking with my friend Kelly.  Kelly and I have been friends for years, and we have shared many a laugh over that time about our respective dating lives.  But it has never been anything more than friends.  She's amazing, but she's just not my type.  And I'm not hers either.  She's a vegetarian who is disgusted by my affinity for red meat.  She voted for George W. Bush...twice.  I have his picture on my dartboard.  She thinks getting outside for some exercise means walking to the corner store for more cigarettes.  Great friends...terrible potential match.

Anyway, we were drinking, and at some point (whether it was prompted by some ad for one of those movies I don't remember), she made a proposal.  You've pretty much seen it in both movies.  It basically boils down to:

1)  We're never going to date
2)  I like hanging out with you
3)  I need to get laid
4)  Let's use each other for sex

All of that is from her.  Her idea.  Let me emphasize point #1, because she most definitely did.  WE ARE NEVER GOING TO DATE.  She said over and over again how she had no interest in dating me. And as time went by (read: we drank more), I started come around.  Friends with benefits you say?  Hmm..this could work...

Actually, I have never really thought it could work.  I have passed up a fair amount of casual sex in my life (see Cookies and Sex) because I just have no idea how to figure out when a girl just wants sex, and when she wants something more.  And unless I am somehow absolutely sure that the girl wants nothing more than sex, I have tended to err on the side of caution, not sleeping with someone whom I know I don't want to date because I don't want to chance hurting her feelings.  Yes, I know there are plenty of women out there who just want sex.  I'm just too stupid to be able to discern who those are, so for the most part I just stick to sex when I'm in a relationship.   But somehow this time she convinced me that it would be different;  that no one would develop stronger feelings and that we could keep it casual until one or the other ended up in a real relationship.  No strings attached?  Yes...we can do this...ok, I'm in!

And for the fourth time in as many posts...I'm an idiot.  There are always strings.

For about a month it was amazing.  The sex was spectacular;  adventurous, playful, passionate, fun.  She'd occasionally swing by on the way to work.  I'd often drop by her place after a night out.  And we both continued to date and tell each other our funnier stories.

And then, one night as we were out drinking, she said..."Soooo, why haven't you asked me out on a real date yet?"

And of course I tried to laugh it off..."Hahahaha.  Could you imagine what a disaster that would be."

Her: No, I'm serious.

Me:  But...no strings attached...use each other...

Her: So, you can have sex with me but you won't date me?

[Oh boy...this is really not going well]

Me:  I really thought we were on the same page here.  This was your idea.  You said you had no interest in dating me.

Her: Please don't be like every other guy out there.  I truly believed you were different...something special.

Me:  This isn't fair.  Deep down I think even you know we're not right together.  We've joked about it plenty of times in the past.  You can't all the sudden drop this on me.

Her:  I'm sure it's not fair, but you should have known that when you slept with me, it meant something more.  I know that you don't sleep around, and so I assumed that it would mean something more for you too.

Me:  I'm so sorry.  I love hanging out with you, but we're not right for each other.  I think the world of you, and I love what we have, but I don't want to date you.

Her:  Well then you're an asshole.

And with that, she was gone.  That was last week, and she hasn't answered my calls or returned my texts.  I'm sad.  I have hurt someone I care about, and it's possible I've lost a really good friend.  I truly hope not.

One thing I do know for sure.  That saying is absolutely true; you can't have your cake and eat it too.  I tried it, and now I have indigestion.  I want my cake back!